This is an Anonymous Blog
This Blog is not Government sponsored but written by a foster parent currently going through the foster adoption process. For this reason, it will need to remain anonymous.
It is one woman’s journey covering the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride as well as the pain and the joy along the way. Focusing on strategies to help your individual process and help you navigate the system while staying sane. It may even help you decide whether that road is for you…or not.
The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption.
It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I will be blogging my thoughts as I go and welcome comments and feedback from anyone reading this blog.
So what does a person do when the little darling that they have hoped and dreamed of for almost a decade doesn’t act so “darling”?
This is the angry face I see all day long. As some of you might remember if you are following this blog, my husband and I recently gave up on the process of being matched for a second child and decided to choose a foster child who fit the age, sex and circumstances most likely to fit with our family.
This was not something we took lightly. We also know what risks are involved in choosing this path.
We have been foster parents in the past to “temporary” kids, and have seen some bad behaviour. Nothing had prepared us for the sheer anger that this little boy has in him.
Wanting this child to be a keeper but having such a hard time with him, is messing with my head. I’m feeling massive guilt when I just can’t respond all of the time in a kind and loving manner. I even sometimes fantasize for just a millisecond about finding the “right” child for our family – as if another one would be any different.
The more love we show him, the more angry he gets. The more attention we show him, our girl gets jealous and acts up doing mean and spiteful things. Today she bit his fingers hard enough to draw blood. vicious.
At my wits end (its been 3 weeks of this now) I went online and purchased some audio recordings from Love and Logic. Finally, I think things are starting to make sense! They have a special half hour recording geared towards foster care and adoptive parents specifically. They tell about how the better job you do showing that child that you “love” them (fake it until you make it) when they enter your house, the more they will move into resistance to your love. They either feel unlovable or feel like your love is unnatural or that you will leave or reject them like all of the others did. I don’t want to add to his list of rejection.
It makes more sense getting into their little heads. I sure wish right now that this kid could talk because it feels like I would rather get a tongue lashing than a head butting. (head butting is frequent when I try to sit him on my lap to dress him-he might have a wrestling or professional sports career ahead of him).
Slightly bruised, scratched, kicked and just plain emotionally exhausted. Its a war zone in my house and I feel like I have to win a battle of love with him and then he will show his gentle side. I will take words of encouragement anywhere I can find them.
Last week we chose a boy. Our foster care worker found us a 18 month old boy who’s home situation is very unlikely to improve. There are no extended family to take him in. Dad is out of the picture (incarcerated for several years). So the mom already struggling to get by with no support, has taken a turn for the worse (mentally speaking). It is likely she loves her son, but her upbringing was so bad that she doesnt really know how to love him or parent. She has mental health issues.
These circumstances have worked so far in our favor to bring us this beautiful smiling little boy. Our girl 2 1/2 has accepted him as a playmate, but they have their moments. Our house is now filled with laughter and screams. Never a dull moment!
Meanwhile, we are working towards attachment to this little boy, either way regardless of what happens, we believe he deserves that. We want to be the best plan b parents we can be for him.
In the next few weeks his case will be brought to a judge. It is very likely the judge will rule him under permenant guardianship (adoptable after 30 days). The mom, who I’m told doesnt have a hope of getting her life together enough to keep her son. If she shows up in court to fight for him it will only prolong his time in foster care.
They will then have to give her a few months until the new court date. She is entitled to her process no matter how messed up she is. While her child lives in lymbo wondering if these people will be his new family.
Is it wrong to wish that she cant get out of bed that day? Maybe she is late for her bus? Or she is too busy with her new boyfriend to think about what day it is?
Please keep fingers, toes and eyes crossed for us. I will keep you posted. Your support is appreciated!!!
WhyNotFosterAdoption.com is appealing for your support. I hope that someday I can return the favor in kind.
I am afraid I have been too immersed in my process of adoption and am finding it difficult to write.
Writing is still so new for me, and something I have always wanted to do. However, these future blog topics are a bit raw for me emotionally, so I will need courage and your support to tackle them.
The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption. It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I am writing ultimately for my own healing with the hopes to assist in others healing and information. This blog can make a difference to help those parents make a very difficult decision. Normally, this information simply isn’t available when its needed. I believe that with reader feedback, I would be able to push forth and delve into these deeper topics.
It should only take 10 minutes. Please read the latest posts (or any posts) and reply with the following via the comments link. You can also choose to send a more personal email directly to firstname.lastname@example.org.
- Was the post interesting or helpful to you?
- What specifically was your favorite?
- Was the post easy to read or did you have trouble following it?
- What didn’t you like about what you read?
- What would you like to see for future posts?
Any feedback you are willing to give is valued. If you would like to guest Blog please send me an email with your intended post.
Here is a link to the latest post, please don’t feel restricted to this post to give feedback.
Thank you in advance for reading and your support!
Lately I can’t help but think back to when we started this adoption process, with regards to where I thought we would be after 3 years. I saw two kids. I was so sure that we would have already been to court for the adoption of our first child and at least having been “placed” with the second child. We would have a girl and then a boy to complete our family. I am sad to report, this is not the case.
Some recent good news, our first child has now been formally changed by child services from a “legal risk” foster placement to an “adoptive placement”. When we first heard about her, we were told that her “band consultation” was not completed properly. This meant that the letter from Family Services that notified her Band that she was to be adopted out was mailed but not “received” by the Band. We were told it was not the process to send these letters Registered Mail. This paperwork mix-up later resulted in a year and a half of waiting on our part for the consultation to be completed or a permission letter to be written by her Band for Adoption.
We are now one of the lucky ones whom Family Services has not had to “go ahead” with the Legal Guardianship/Adoption of but rather have a letter of permission to legally adopt. We are told that ours is one of the first cases where a Native Band has “signed off” for the adoption of a child, and for this we are truly grateful.
We are still about 9 months from being in a courtroom. We are told that our required year of bonding won’t start until we leave that courtroom and have legally adopted our girl. The meantime we are told doesn’t count since she was still in fact a foster child in a “Legal Risk” placement. Normally, a child would be placed for adoption, it would take a year of wait time to finalize and then the couple would re-apply to be placed back on the waiting list for a second child.
In our case because of this “glitch” in paperwork, we will have been raising her for 2.5-3 years before the “clock would start” for our 1 year waiting period. That time doesn’t “count” to Child Services since our adoption was done in reverse. Our home would be “closed” for a year and we would be expected to re-apply for a second child. We are 3 years into our process already. I’m not sure if we could handle a setback like this. I am told that to date there are no different procedures for situations like ours. I truly understand if you are confused by this, most people are, it isn’t just you.
The truly ironic thing is the timing. If our daughter’s adoption paperwork was still in limbo and she was still a “legal risk foster child” we would be fully available to be placed with a second child (a boy). So, now that her band has chosen to provide a letter for us to adopt her it has the potential to mess up the timing of our second child. We are trying to have faith that we can find a boy before we go to court or we will have to wait years longer to complete our family.
Yes, my head is still spinning from trying to explain all of this. One can’t help feeling a bit “derailed”.