48 hours to decide:the biggest decision of our lives!

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you didnt even see it coming.
As you may know if you are following, about 3 months ago we took in an almost 2 year old foster boy and have been waiting for his court process to remove parental rights so we could later hopefully adopt him. It has been a very busy and rocky 3 months with his many attachment issues and the fighting, playing and general chaos going on between our girl and this boy so close in age. We have had our work cut out for us and very small advances made so far.

yesterday we got a call from our adoption worker. We had all but forgotten we were still on the adoption matching list.

She said that We have been chosen to adopt a premature baby boy, one week old and still in hospital. Chosen out of a long list of waiting homes by that childs social worker. Wow, I was completely dumbfounded and speachless. Chosen? What if this is our little boy meant For us? Why did she choose us?

This baby will also be a bit of a legal risk. he was abandoned at the hospital a week ago and his mother was going to put him up for adoption, but couldnt bring herself to sign the paperwork. They have no way of contacting her. They still havent told us all of the details. Very important details.

Now, I have never been one to see myself with a newborn. The idea of a baby so tiny scares me. To be responsible for a life so delicate!

Knowing what I know now about attachment, what an opportunity! This almost never happens with foster adoption. To be Mom and Dad right from the hospital!

This is the hardest decision of our lives!!! We have 48 hours to decide the fate of our family and two little boys! How does one make an impossible decision like this?

When the little “darling” you have waited for isn’t so “darling”?

this is the face I see all day long

So what does a person do when the little darling that they have hoped and dreamed of for almost a decade doesn’t act so “darling”?

This is the angry face I see all day long. As some of you might remember if you are following this blog, my husband and I recently gave up on the process of being matched for a second child and decided to choose a foster child who fit the age, sex and circumstances most likely to fit with our family.

This was not something we took lightly. We also know what risks are involved in choosing this path.

We have been foster parents in the past to “temporary” kids, and have seen some bad behaviour. Nothing had prepared us for the sheer anger that this little boy has in him.

Wanting this child to be a keeper but having such a hard time with him, is messing with my head. I’m feeling massive guilt when I just can’t respond all of the time in a kind and loving manner. I even sometimes fantasize for just a millisecond about finding the “right” child for our family – as if another one would be any different.

The more love we show him, the more angry he gets. The more attention we show him, our girl gets jealous and acts up doing mean and spiteful things. Today she bit his fingers hard enough to draw blood. vicious.

At my wits end (its been 3 weeks of this now) I went online and purchased some audio recordings from Love and Logic. Finally, I think things are starting to make sense! They have a special half hour recording geared towards foster care and adoptive parents specifically. They tell about how the better job you do showing that child that you “love” them (fake it until you make it) when they enter your house, the more they will move into resistance to your love. They either feel unlovable or feel like your love is unnatural or that you will leave or reject them like all of the others did. I don’t want to add to his list of rejection.

It makes more sense getting into their little heads. I sure wish right now that this kid could talk because it feels like I would rather get a tongue lashing than a head butting. (head butting is frequent when I try to sit him on my lap to dress him-he might have a wrestling or professional sports career ahead of him).

Slightly bruised, scratched, kicked and just plain emotionally exhausted. Its a war zone in my house and I feel like I have to win a battle of love with him and then he will show his gentle side. I will take words of encouragement anywhere I can find them.

We went and did it

Last week we chose a boy. Our foster care worker found us a 18 month old boy who’s home situation is very unlikely to improve. There are no extended family to take him in. Dad is out of the picture (incarcerated for several years). So the mom already struggling to get by with no support, has taken a turn for the worse (mentally speaking). It is likely she loves her son, but her upbringing was so bad that she doesnt really know how to love him or parent. She has mental health issues.

These circumstances have worked so far in our favor to bring us this beautiful smiling little boy. Our girl 2 1/2 has accepted him as a playmate, but they have their moments. Our house is now filled with laughter and screams. Never a dull moment!

Meanwhile, we are working towards attachment to this little boy, either way regardless of what happens, we believe he deserves that. We want to be the best plan b parents we can be for him.

In the next few weeks his case will be brought to a judge. It is very likely the judge will rule him under permenant guardianship (adoptable after 30 days). The mom, who I’m told doesnt have a hope of getting her life together enough to keep her son. If she shows up in court to fight for him it will only prolong his time in foster care.

They will then have to give her a few months until the new court date. She is entitled to her process no matter how messed up she is. While her child lives in lymbo wondering if these people will be his new family.

Is it wrong to wish that she cant get out of bed that day? Maybe she is late for her bus? Or she is too busy with her new boyfriend to think about what day it is?

Please keep fingers, toes and eyes crossed for us. I will keep you posted. Your support is appreciated!!!

Foster Care…a shortcut to Adoption?

Summer has flown by and I have made a few realizations.
Waiting a year to find our boy has forced us into a holding pattern. Without this boy our family doesn’t feel complete. One girl + one boy = perfect family. Right?

Realizing this and feeling like the government has control of our lives has caused an overwhelming feeling of being frustration and being stuck in limbo. It’s time to take back our lives!

Our adoptive worker has insinuated (not in so many words) that we need to keep our “empty bed” empty and waiting for an adoptive match to be found. Meanwhile, our Foster care Social worker is getting frustrated with us since we have been turning down foster placements and filling our “empty bed” (a foster care term). 12 whole months go by…

In the past I have felt that the law of attraction (LOA) meant that we needed to keep that bed room empty, therefore the universe would want to fill it with a child.
I have been a bit obsessed with keeping myself in the mindset of LOA, and I feel it has caused me to be stuck. It has also caused me to kick myself every time I have a negative thought.

You might have noticed a bit of this in past blog posts. Please feel free to call me on it in the future. I am NOT going to kick myself anymore! I am going to take charge by not obsessing about things happening exactly like I pictured them. I am taking in a foster child that we hope to adopt. My husband, is being supportive and going along with this somewhat insane plan.

I have seen three trends happening in Alberta for the last few years.
1. Couples moving to Alberta for the best post adoption program available in Canada.
2. Foster parents adopting kids, therefore keeping them out of the adoption “pool”.
3. Couples becoming foster parents as a short cut to adoption.
A few years ago, foster parents were asked to “step up” and adopt their kids. Alberta, having the best post adoption support program in Canada, has caused people to migrate here from other provinces (providing financial support to adopted children until age 18). Many couples have become foster parents in the last two years especially as a short cut to adoption. This is where the problem for families like ours has began. These factors and others have caused a shortage of adoptable children under age 3.

Here is an example. 2 years ago when we were matched with our girl, we were told we were competing with about 10 other families. Those home assessments from those families are read and then the worker of that child chooses the “best family” for that child. Now, two years later, I am told that every time a child comes available there are 60-100 families to choose from. This is done through an automated matching system located in Edmonton. In just two years in Alberta, this is how much things have changed.

So what has annoyed us from the beginning, we will now do. “If you can’t beat ‘em then join ‘em” someone once said. Right? We are asking to be given a few young boys to choose from and we will pick the one most likely to be a “keeper”. This is going to be done almost totally blind since I could write the information given on them on the palm of my hand. We pick, and hope for a healthy child and not so healthy parents. Remember, the kids parents failing to “get it together’ is what makes the child available to us. Not a great situation.

Summer has caused the foster care system to reach capacity. Apparently hot weather causes bad situations to get worse, so many foster care apprehensions are done just prior to or over the summer. Knowing this, I would like to feel good about taking one child off of their hands. Therefore freeing up one more bed, but I need to be honest here (since I can’t be with my worker). We are taking the child for another reason. That reason is not so selfless. We are hoping to adopt him. In the foster care world this is bad, bad, bad!

I just hope I can keep it together emotionally in the meantime. Hold tight for the roller coaster! We will do just about anything at this point to adopt another child. I am sad that it has come to this. What are your thoughts? I would like to hear them regardless of what side of the fence you’re on. In fact, I am going to start a poll.

Your Support is Needed for Blog

WhyNotFosterAdoption.com is appealing for your support. I hope that someday I can return the favor in kind.

I am afraid I have been too immersed in my process of adoption and am finding it difficult to write.

Writing is still so new for me, and something I have always wanted to do. However, these future blog topics are a bit raw for me emotionally, so I will need courage and your support to tackle them.

The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption. It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I am writing ultimately for my own healing with the hopes to assist in others healing and information. This blog can make a difference to help those parents make a very difficult decision. Normally, this information simply isn’t available when its needed. I believe that with reader feedback, I would be able to push forth and delve into these deeper topics.

It should only take 10 minutes. Please read the latest posts (or any posts) and reply with the following via the comments link. You can also choose to send a more personal email directly to whynotfosteradoption@gmail.com.

1. Was the post interesting or helpful to you?
2. What specifically was your favorite?
3. Was the post easy to read or did you have trouble following it?
4. What didn’t you like about what you read?
5. What would you like to see for future posts?

Any feedback you are willing to give is valued. If you would like to guest Blog please send me an email with your intended post.

Here is a link to the latest post, please don’t feel restricted to this post to give feedback.

http://whynotfosteradoption.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/how-a-glitch-in-paperwork-threw-us-off-track/

Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

Upcoming blog topics

Here is a “sneak preview” on upcoming blog topics. Your comments as always are welcomed.

why your helpful questions about my adoption aren’t helpful

Foster Adoption, its not about the money-Supports for Permanency Program

Tips on how to avoid Road Blocks and help to navigate the system

How I got beyond Infertility to embrace Foster Adoption

How a glitch in paperwork got us off track

Lately I can’t help but think back to when we started this adoption process, with regards to where I thought we would be after 3 years. I saw two kids. I was so sure that we would have already been to court for the adoption of our first child and at least having been “placed” with the second child. We would have a girl and then a boy to complete our family. I am sad to report, this is not the case.

Some recent good news, our first child has now been formally changed by child services from a “legal risk” foster placement to an “adoptive placement”. When we first heard about her, we were told that her “band consultation” was not completed properly. This meant that the letter from Family Services that notified her Band that she was to be adopted out was mailed but not “received” by the Band. We were told it was not the process to send these letters Registered Mail. This paperwork mix-up later resulted in a year and a half of waiting on our part for the consultation to be completed or a permission letter to be written by her Band for Adoption.

We are now one of the lucky ones whom Family Services has not had to “go ahead” with the Legal Guardianship/Adoption of but rather have a letter of permission to legally adopt. We are told that ours is one of the first cases where a Native Band has “signed off” for the adoption of a child, and for this we are truly grateful.

We are still about 9 months from being in a courtroom.  We are told that our required year of bonding won’t start until we leave that courtroom and have legally adopted our girl. The meantime we are told doesn’t count since she was still in fact a foster child in a “Legal Risk” placement. Normally, a child would be placed for adoption, it would take a year of wait time to finalize and then the couple would re-apply to be placed back on the waiting list for a second child.

In our case because of this “glitch” in paperwork, we will have been raising her for 2.5-3 years before the “clock would start” for our 1 year waiting period.  That time doesn’t “count” to Child Services since our adoption was done in reverse. Our home would be “closed” for a year and we would be expected to re-apply for a second child. We are 3 years into our process already.  I’m not sure if we could handle a setback like this. I am told that to date there are no different procedures for situations like ours. I truly understand if you are confused by this, most people are, it isn’t just you.

The truly ironic thing is the timing. If our daughter’s adoption paperwork was still in limbo and she was still a “legal risk foster child” we would be fully available to be placed with a second child (a boy). So, now that her band has chosen to provide a letter for us to adopt her it has the potential to mess up the timing of our second child.  We are trying to have faith that we can find a boy before we go to court or we will have to wait years longer to complete our family.

Yes, my head is still spinning from trying to explain all of this. One can’t help feeling a bit “derailed”.