This is an Anonymous Blog
This Blog is not Government sponsored but written by a foster parent currently going through the foster adoption process. For this reason, it will need to remain anonymous.
It is one woman’s journey covering the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride as well as the pain and the joy along the way. Focusing on strategies to help your individual process and help you navigate the system while staying sane. It may even help you decide whether that road is for you…or not.
The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption.
It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I will be blogging my thoughts as I go and welcome comments and feedback from anyone reading this blog.
Here is my little family on Adoption Day. A proud day for us, long awaited. 3.5 years in fact.
I feel I can finally disclose who I am, there in no longer fear that my blog would cause an issue with our adoptions. Please read and follow.
we got the call on an otherwise normal Wednesday afternoon. a 4 month old baby boy was available for us to adopt and were we interested? We’re we interested!? We were absolutely elated!
It it turns out that the very same baby boy who we were offered when still in hospital as a “legal risk” child was ow being offered to us to adopt! It is quite a story I will give you the short version. (to get background read post” there is no excuse but devastation”.
A 42 year old woman went to the hospital and delivered a baby boy 6 weeks early. It was her plan for no one to know about this boy, not even his father. She was planning to give this child up for adoption to a well known agency. This agency worker had asked the mother of the Métis baby “how light is the baby’s skin?”. This had angered the mother and she left the hospital without signing the adoption papers. Thus the baby was classified as “abandoned”.
family services then entered a 3 week tug of war with the adoption agency. The adoption agency stood to make quite a sum of money if they placed the child for adoption. They both petitioned the court and the court decided that the baby was to be in the permanence custody of Family services (PGO). The Family services supervisor in charge decided that the baby should then be entered into the general adoption pool, rather than offered to us as a legal risk foster placement. (Read”there is no excuse but devastation”)
so a permanency placement social worker was chosen and he set about the task of reading stacks of home assessments from waiting parents hoping to adopt. Ours was just one of them.
Despite those odds that worker decided that ours was the best match for a family for that child. We have no idea what his criteria was to choose us but we are over joyed none the less. We have welcomed him home and even got to name him!!! Our 4 month old baby boy!!!
I promise I will catch up with posts over the next few weeks and tell you all how it has been going. What a whirl wind!!!
The title says it all. There really is no excuse to leave people hanging. What I will say is that the results of the next 3 weeks following the 24 hours we were given to decide we’re a roller coaster of emotion.
We were not prepared to be offered a newborn baby. Not in our wildest adoption dreams did we think we would be taking one right from the hospital! We decided we wanted to go ahead-I mean who are we to turn down a once in a lifetime foster adoption opportunity? It did come with legal risk however. This baby had been abandoned at the hospital, there was a risk of the parents or extended family coming forth. We were in the unique position of being an adoptive home with a foster care licence. This qualified us to take the baby immediately upon release of the hospital.
the mother didn’t sign the paperwork for the adoption agency previously agreed to take the baby. The result of the mothers carelessness was 3 weeks of legal battle between family services and the adoption agency. Family services won, and the court ordered the baby PGO, permenance custody of family services and therefore eligible for adoption.
We were on a 3 week roller coaster waiting for the decision. it was absolute agony! everyday we woke wondering if today was the day, and every night just wanting it to be over! When children’s services was awarded the baby who was now eligible for adoption, they decided we were no longer the home. The child should go into foster care while the baby’s worker reviewed hundreds of families for the adoption. This would take months. We were utterly devastated!
The result of being left hanging and our emotions raw, our families frustrated and angry for us. This was all too much after waiting almost 2 years for an adoptive match only to be disappointed like this. The result in myself was a deep depression. The only reason I had to get up in the morning was our daughter, thank God for her.
I can write about this now because I am better, our matching has taken a turn for the better, but more importantly I went through the grieving process and worked through the depression.
My next post will be coming soon, I promise you I will go into more detail and updates very soon. It was a very long hard journey to get to the place I am today and finally able to write about this. More to come.
So what does a person do when the little darling that they have hoped and dreamed of for almost a decade doesn’t act so “darling”?
This is the angry face I see all day long. As some of you might remember if you are following this blog, my husband and I recently gave up on the process of being matched for a second child and decided to choose a foster child who fit the age, sex and circumstances most likely to fit with our family.
This was not something we took lightly. We also know what risks are involved in choosing this path.
We have been foster parents in the past to “temporary” kids, and have seen some bad behaviour. Nothing had prepared us for the sheer anger that this little boy has in him.
Wanting this child to be a keeper but having such a hard time with him, is messing with my head. I’m feeling massive guilt when I just can’t respond all of the time in a kind and loving manner. I even sometimes fantasize for just a millisecond about finding the “right” child for our family – as if another one would be any different.
The more love we show him, the more angry he gets. The more attention we show him, our girl gets jealous and acts up doing mean and spiteful things. Today she bit his fingers hard enough to draw blood. vicious.
At my wits end (its been 3 weeks of this now) I went online and purchased some audio recordings from Love and Logic. Finally, I think things are starting to make sense! They have a special half hour recording geared towards foster care and adoptive parents specifically. They tell about how the better job you do showing that child that you “love” them (fake it until you make it) when they enter your house, the more they will move into resistance to your love. They either feel unlovable or feel like your love is unnatural or that you will leave or reject them like all of the others did. I don’t want to add to his list of rejection.
It makes more sense getting into their little heads. I sure wish right now that this kid could talk because it feels like I would rather get a tongue lashing than a head butting. (head butting is frequent when I try to sit him on my lap to dress him-he might have a wrestling or professional sports career ahead of him).
Slightly bruised, scratched, kicked and just plain emotionally exhausted. Its a war zone in my house and I feel like I have to win a battle of love with him and then he will show his gentle side. I will take words of encouragement anywhere I can find them.
Last week we chose a boy. Our foster care worker found us a 18 month old boy who’s home situation is very unlikely to improve. There are no extended family to take him in. Dad is out of the picture (incarcerated for several years). So the mom already struggling to get by with no support, has taken a turn for the worse (mentally speaking). It is likely she loves her son, but her upbringing was so bad that she doesnt really know how to love him or parent. She has mental health issues.
These circumstances have worked so far in our favor to bring us this beautiful smiling little boy. Our girl 2 1/2 has accepted him as a playmate, but they have their moments. Our house is now filled with laughter and screams. Never a dull moment!
Meanwhile, we are working towards attachment to this little boy, either way regardless of what happens, we believe he deserves that. We want to be the best plan b parents we can be for him.
In the next few weeks his case will be brought to a judge. It is very likely the judge will rule him under permenant guardianship (adoptable after 30 days). The mom, who I’m told doesnt have a hope of getting her life together enough to keep her son. If she shows up in court to fight for him it will only prolong his time in foster care.
They will then have to give her a few months until the new court date. She is entitled to her process no matter how messed up she is. While her child lives in lymbo wondering if these people will be his new family.
Is it wrong to wish that she cant get out of bed that day? Maybe she is late for her bus? Or she is too busy with her new boyfriend to think about what day it is?
Please keep fingers, toes and eyes crossed for us. I will keep you posted. Your support is appreciated!!!