When the little “darling” you have waited for isn’t so “darling”?
So what does a person do when the little darling that they have hoped and dreamed of for almost a decade doesn’t act so “darling”?
This is the angry face I see all day long. As some of you might remember if you are following this blog, my husband and I recently gave up on the process of being matched for a second child and decided to choose a foster child who fit the age, sex and circumstances most likely to fit with our family.
This was not something we took lightly. We also know what risks are involved in choosing this path.
We have been foster parents in the past to “temporary” kids, and have seen some bad behaviour. Nothing had prepared us for the sheer anger that this little boy has in him.
Wanting this child to be a keeper but having such a hard time with him, is messing with my head. I’m feeling massive guilt when I just can’t respond all of the time in a kind and loving manner. I even sometimes fantasize for just a millisecond about finding the “right” child for our family – as if another one would be any different.
The more love we show him, the more angry he gets. The more attention we show him, our girl gets jealous and acts up doing mean and spiteful things. Today she bit his fingers hard enough to draw blood. vicious.
At my wits end (its been 3 weeks of this now) I went online and purchased some audio recordings from Love and Logic. Finally, I think things are starting to make sense! They have a special half hour recording geared towards foster care and adoptive parents specifically. They tell about how the better job you do showing that child that you “love” them (fake it until you make it) when they enter your house, the more they will move into resistance to your love. They either feel unlovable or feel like your love is unnatural or that you will leave or reject them like all of the others did. I don’t want to add to his list of rejection.
It makes more sense getting into their little heads. I sure wish right now that this kid could talk because it feels like I would rather get a tongue lashing than a head butting. (head butting is frequent when I try to sit him on my lap to dress him-he might have a wrestling or professional sports career ahead of him).
Slightly bruised, scratched, kicked and just plain emotionally exhausted. Its a war zone in my house and I feel like I have to win a battle of love with him and then he will show his gentle side. I will take words of encouragement anywhere I can find them.