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This is an Anonymous Blog

This Blog is not Government sponsored but written by a foster parent currently going through the foster adoption process. For this reason, it will need to remain anonymous.

It is one woman’s journey covering the ups and downs of a roller coaster ride as well as the pain and the joy along the way. Focusing on strategies to help your individual process and help you navigate the system while staying sane. It may even help you decide whether that road is for you…or not.

The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption.
It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I will be blogging my thoughts as I go and welcome comments and feedback from anyone reading this blog.

Foster Care…a shortcut to Adoption?

August 7, 2012

Summer has flown by and I have made a few realizations.
Waiting a year to find our boy has forced us into a holding pattern. Without this boy our family doesn’t feel complete. One girl + one boy = perfect family. Right?

Realizing this and feeling like the government has control of our lives has caused an overwhelming feeling of being frustration and being stuck in limbo. It’s time to take back our lives!

Our adoptive worker has insinuated (not in so many words) that we need to keep our “empty bed” empty and waiting for an adoptive match to be found. Meanwhile, our Foster care Social worker is getting frustrated with us since we have been turning down foster placements and filling our “empty bed” (a foster care term). 12 whole months go by…

In the past I have felt that the law of attraction (LOA) meant that we needed to keep that bed room empty, therefore the universe would want to fill it with a child.
I have been a bit obsessed with keeping myself in the mindset of LOA, and I feel it has caused me to be stuck. It has also caused me to kick myself every time I have a negative thought.

You might have noticed a bit of this in past blog posts. Please feel free to call me on it in the future. I am NOT going to kick myself anymore! I am going to take charge by not obsessing about things happening exactly like I pictured them. I am taking in a foster child that we hope to adopt. My husband, is being supportive and going along with this somewhat insane plan.

I have seen three trends happening in Alberta for the last few years.
1. Couples moving to Alberta for the best post adoption program available in Canada.
2. Foster parents adopting kids, therefore keeping them out of the adoption “pool”.
3. Couples becoming foster parents as a short cut to adoption.
A few years ago, foster parents were asked to “step up” and adopt their kids. Alberta, having the best post adoption support program in Canada, has caused people to migrate here from other provinces (providing financial support to adopted children until age 18). Many couples have become foster parents in the last two years especially as a short cut to adoption. This is where the problem for families like ours has began. These factors and others have caused a shortage of adoptable children under age 3.

Here is an example. 2 years ago when we were matched with our girl, we were told we were competing with about 10 other families. Those home assessments from those families are read and then the worker of that child chooses the “best family” for that child. Now, two years later, I am told that every time a child comes available there are 60-100 families to choose from. This is done through an automated matching system located in Edmonton. In just two years in Alberta, this is how much things have changed.

So what has annoyed us from the beginning, we will now do. “If you can’t beat ‘em then join ‘em” someone once said. Right? We are asking to be given a few young boys to choose from and we will pick the one most likely to be a “keeper”. This is going to be done almost totally blind since I could write the information given on them on the palm of my hand. We pick, and hope for a healthy child and not so healthy parents. Remember, the kids parents failing to “get it together’ is what makes the child available to us. Not a great situation.

Summer has caused the foster care system to reach capacity. Apparently hot weather causes bad situations to get worse, so many foster care apprehensions are done just prior to or over the summer. Knowing this, I would like to feel good about taking one child off of their hands. Therefore freeing up one more bed, but I need to be honest here (since I can’t be with my worker). We are taking the child for another reason. That reason is not so selfless. We are hoping to adopt him. In the foster care world this is bad, bad, bad!

I just hope I can keep it together emotionally in the meantime. Hold tight for the roller coaster! We will do just about anything at this point to adopt another child. I am sad that it has come to this. What are your thoughts? I would like to hear them regardless of what side of the fence you’re on. In fact, I am going to start a poll.

Your Support is Needed for Blog

June 2, 2012

WhyNotFosterAdoption.com is appealing for your support. I hope that someday I can return the favor in kind.

I am afraid I have been too immersed in my process of adoption and am finding it difficult to write.

Writing is still so new for me, and something I have always wanted to do. However, these future blog topics are a bit raw for me emotionally, so I will need courage and your support to tackle them.

The hope is that one day, this Blog will become a book about the realities of Foster Adoption. It will be shaped by you, the reader and your valuable comments. I am writing ultimately for my own healing with the hopes to assist in others healing and information. This blog can make a difference to help those parents make a very difficult decision. Normally, this information simply isn’t available when its needed. I believe that with reader feedback, I would be able to push forth and delve into these deeper topics.

It should only take 10 minutes. Please read the latest posts (or any posts) and reply with the following via the comments link. You can also choose to send a more personal email directly to whynotfosteradoption@gmail.com.

  1. Was the post interesting or helpful to you?
  2. What specifically was your favorite?
  3. Was the post easy to read or did you have trouble following it?
  4. What didn’t you like about what you read?
  5. What would you like to see for future posts?

Any feedback you are willing to give is valued. If you would like to guest Blog please send me an email with your intended post.

Here is a link to the latest post, please don’t feel restricted to this post to give feedback.

https://whynotfosteradoption.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/how-a-glitch-in-paperwork-threw-us-off-track/

Thank you in advance for reading and your support!

How a glitch in paperwork got us off track

May 6, 2012

Lately I can’t help but think back to when we started this adoption process, with regards to where I thought we would be after 3 years. I saw two kids. I was so sure that we would have already been to court for the adoption of our first child and at least having been “placed” with the second child. We would have a girl and then a boy to complete our family. I am sad to report, this is not the case.

Some recent good news, our first child has now been formally changed by child services from a “legal risk” foster placement to an “adoptive placement”. When we first heard about her, we were told that her “band consultation” was not completed properly. This meant that the letter from Family Services that notified her Band that she was to be adopted out was mailed but not “received” by the Band. We were told it was not the process to send these letters Registered Mail. This paperwork mix-up later resulted in a year and a half of waiting on our part for the consultation to be completed or a permission letter to be written by her Band for Adoption.

We are now one of the lucky ones whom Family Services has not had to “go ahead” with the Legal Guardianship/Adoption of but rather have a letter of permission to legally adopt. We are told that ours is one of the first cases where a Native Band has “signed off” for the adoption of a child, and for this we are truly grateful.

We are still about 9 months from being in a courtroom.  We are told that our required year of bonding won’t start until we leave that courtroom and have legally adopted our girl. The meantime we are told doesn’t count since she was still in fact a foster child in a “Legal Risk” placement. Normally, a child would be placed for adoption, it would take a year of wait time to finalize and then the couple would re-apply to be placed back on the waiting list for a second child.

In our case because of this “glitch” in paperwork, we will have been raising her for 2.5-3 years before the “clock would start” for our 1 year waiting period.  That time doesn’t “count” to Child Services since our adoption was done in reverse. Our home would be “closed” for a year and we would be expected to re-apply for a second child. We are 3 years into our process already.  I’m not sure if we could handle a setback like this. I am told that to date there are no different procedures for situations like ours. I truly understand if you are confused by this, most people are, it isn’t just you.

The truly ironic thing is the timing. If our daughter’s adoption paperwork was still in limbo and she was still a “legal risk foster child” we would be fully available to be placed with a second child (a boy). So, now that her band has chosen to provide a letter for us to adopt her it has the potential to mess up the timing of our second child.  We are trying to have faith that we can find a boy before we go to court or we will have to wait years longer to complete our family.

Yes, my head is still spinning from trying to explain all of this. One can’t help feeling a bit “derailed”.

Don’t forget to live…

March 31, 2012

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The idea for this blog came to mind as I attended the funeral of a friend (my husband’s friend’s wife who recently passed from cancer). I wish I could say that this woman was a good friend, those in attendance at her funeral certainly had wonderful things to say about her strong spiritual beliefs and bravery in the face of her death as she ended a three year battle from a rather rare form of cancer. Those close to her were fortunate to have known her.

I didn’t. Not really. I sat there thinking about how she had tried to reach out to me through our husbands and had expressed wanting to get to know me better. I am rather embarrassed to say that I did not take her up on her offer/s. At the time, I was too busy and self absorbed in my world of infertility and later with our adoption process to want to get to know anyone. Always waiting for a baby. It took up all of my energy. I have hoped and stressed about it, cried over it, curled up numbing myself over the tv eating over it.

I have avoided friends with small children as well as my own nieces and nephews. I did this out of pain and I was stuck in a place of self pity. It was simply too painful to be around those happy children when I was still waiting to have my own. Being placed with our daughter brought me leaps forward in my healing process from infertility. (I will write more about this on a future blog post.)

Now looking back, hindsight being 20/20, I can clearly see that my life has been in a holding pattern. First in infertility, waiting for our daughter, and now waiting for our son. Going on about 7 years now. Yes, you heard me 7 years. I heard somewhere there is a saying called the 7 year itch. Some might say, just be happy for where you are…look at how far you have come. It’s time to scratch.

Waiting now 8 months to hear word on being matched with a son, I have managed to put on about 12 pounds. Most of which has been in the last 3 months. I have eaten mountain of chips, chocolate and drank a river of pop for those 12 pounds. More than that, it pains me to say that this holding pattern of mine has really effected my relationships (or lack thereof) my marriage, friendships, and worst of all my relationship with our daughter. I have been struggling to stay positive through this process and she doesn’t understand when mommy’s not feeling well enough to play.

Enough is enough! Don’t forget to live. This is the one piece of advice I have for anyone going through an adoption process. This time I will listen to my own words of wisdom and take them in. Don’t put your life on hold while you are waiting. The hardest thing for me has been to surrender control and to know that things will happen in our highest good. There is a little boy out there who is a perfect fit for our family and when he is ready he will find us. Until then I will cherish each day that we have with our daughter and surrender that things will happen when they were meant to happen. I will get my butt off the couch and put my energy toward living life with my family and getting myself into a healthier space of readiness to be a mother to this child. There, he is one step closer to finding us now, I can feel it.

I’m finding balance

March 28, 2012

Hello everyone, I wanted to write something to let you know why I haven’t posted in a while. I think I owe it to you to be honest.

So, here it is. I haven’t posted in a while because of my extreme frustration and burnout that I have been feeling with our current matching process. It has been going on since August, and so it has taken a toll.

My intention with the Blog was to concentrate on writing positive thoughts and ideas in my journey. This is intended to be helpful thereby invoking the law of attraction. I have realized that I am doing myself and my readers a disservice by not writing about the entire experience. It is only fair that I write the good along with the bad so that there is a more realistic account for expectations as well as to assist myself and others to heal.

I am spending time with my daughter and husband and working myself back to a place of being thankful for the good things that have come into my life. I am finding balance and being kind to myself.  Then I will be ready to delve into my deepest thoughts for future blog posts.

I will be back. Please bear with me.

Life Is too Short

January 21, 2012

This short poem titled “Life Is Too Short” is my inspiration for

this post. Sometimes, I think back to my many years of fertility treatments, vitamins, hormones, tests, procedures, hoping, praying and crying.  Occasionally I let myself go there. I think it is important to remember what I have gone through sometimes so that I can truly appreciate where I am now. Some might regret the years of pain and waiting. I am of the opinion that these years have made me a stronger, better mom today. Regret the past? I don’t have time for that in my life. I wake up each morning and look into our girl’s eyes and know that this was the Universe’s plan for me. Life is too short to worry about what might have been. Don’t waste your time on regret. I trust that there is a bigger plan for me than I can even imagine. I would even like to believe that I chose this path before I was born. I needed to learn what it was like to struggle and wait for children.

No matter the obstacles life throws at you with infertility, if your heart is open, and you are willing to take that chance, adoption is a beautiful way to bring that child into your life.

Here is the poem, I hope you find it inspiring.

Nature VS Nurture…the Million Dollar Question

January 14, 2012

It seems to me there is a question on the tip of everyone’s tongue. Do you think she takes after her bio parents? I honestly don’t spend much time thinking about this topic. I mean, I try not to think about her bio parents at all. Except to be thankful that they brought her into the world even though they weren’t equipped to take care of her. If they were to have another child then I would eagerly accept that child as well and be thankful that he/she came into the world. I frequently get the question “Can’t they just fix her, force her to get her tubes tied so she can’t have any more?”. It’s funny that in 2012 in a civilized country such as ours that someone would think of doing something they can’t even do in Africa.

I’m getting off topic. I really don’t look at my daughter and think about whether she looks like her mom or dad or if she sounds like them or has the same mannerisms etc. When I look at her I think, wow…she’s copying me! I do that face! At the beginning and the end of the day she is our child, not theirs. They had sperm, egg and womb. Nothing more for her. Thank you for carrying her for 9 months and for taking decent care of yourself while you were pregnant.

We are the ones that are raising her to be who she is and the adult she will one day become.  One day she will be curious to know what they look like or to meet them.  We will encourage her to do it because their blood runs through her veins.  We know that her heart and soul is forever connected to us because we are her parents.

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